Managing Back to School Stress

Speaking from the heart as both a mom and a clinical psychologist – transitions can be tough! We are here to help!

We have all arrived again at back-to-school season and wherever our children are along their educational and developmental journey, starting or heading back to school can be overwhelming. The first thing to remember is that this is completely normal because any change, even positive and expected change, can create stress.  If you or your kids are feeling the stress, you are not alone. The vast majority of parents with a child in school agree that back to school season is stressful.

First, take stock of whether your child or family is feeling the stress. Signs to look for in your child include: changes to behavior, greater irritability, clinging more than usual, disruption to normal sleep or eating patterns, expressions of big emotions or protesting more frequently, flat out school refusal, and physical complaints like stomach aches or headaches. Turn the reflection to yourself too (with great compassion!) and notice how back to school stress might be showing up for you including feeling more irritable with your family, changes in your patience or tolerance level, or changes to your sleep or eating pattern. It is no secret that our kids watch us closely to both take emotional cues about and assess the safety of a new situation or experience. We are an important and powerful mirror that our kids rely on to regulate their responses and reactions. A positive, proactive and calm stance will have an enormous impact.

As parents, we can’t take away the normative stress that comes with starting something new. What we can do is provide the sturdy home base in the midst of the school year buzz, so that our kids grow their resiliency and grit and teach themselves that they can manage change and transitions well. Resist the urge to “fix” the new school year stress or reassure them that “everything will be fine” because this minimizes the very real feelings that they may be having. Instead, take a deep breath, give yourself a little compassion as you also navigate the new school year and check out our tips and tricks for navigating this transition:

Ask Questions and Name Feelings

• Anxiety, anticipation, excitement and dread can all show up in our bodies in very similar ways. You can help your kids interpret these feelings correctly by getting curious about their similarities and differences, labeling them, and then pairing each emotion with what the child may need. Excitement might need a dance break while anxiety might need a hug and conversation.
• Communicate your stability and capacity to talk about their feelings. Normalize that it is OK to feel a mix of emotions. If you have had similar experiences yourself, it can be helpful to share those and what starting the new school year was like for you, “I am so excited for you to begin the year, but I also feel a little nervous about meeting the new teacher! How are you feeling?”

Structure the schedule before the school year begins

• Protect the time for sleep and rest and ensure your child gets the sleep they need for their age
• Create a consistent eating routine with a variety of food groups including fruits and veggies
• Physical activity through play or structured exercise is essential!
• Limit the screen time and remember that not all screen time is created equal so check in on the quality of media your kiddo is consuming
• Finally, resist the urge to over-program or schedule so much that fatigue sets in and there is no place left in their day for play or for just enjoying the present.

Give them control (just not all of it)

• Big feelings, pushing back and protesting are hard to tolerate, but it’s often a way that kids are attempting to tell us that they want or need control in a situation that is feeling scary, overwhelming or intense. Try to view these moments as steps they are exploring as they learn to assert and express themselves.
• Offer kids control within your parameters – for instance, “Here is the breakfast menu for tomorrow morning before school! Would you like to order cheerios with blueberries or eggs on toast?”

Goal set

• Our school systems are set up to focus on scholastic and academic endeavors and achievements. This is important; but it’s not everything. Ask your child to think about both an academic goal like learning to read, as well as a personal goal, like mastering the monkey bars on the new playground.

Avoid the avoidance

• Avoidance can signal anxiety and in the short term can offer relief but in the long term can make anxiety and stress worse. Help your child lean in safely and with your support to the aspects of the new school year that are creating more worry or anxiety.
• Ask direct questions about safety at school. Around 20% of our youth experience bullying but are hesitant to talk about it. We encourage a proactive approach to talking about this so that kids are prepared or can get the support they need to feel safe at school.

The way in which we talk about change and preparing for the new school year will influence how our kids experience it. Modeling positivity can spark the indicators of positive mental health that help our children thrive: resilience, affection, curiosity, persistence, self-control and of course their own positivity and excitement about the potential ahead.

Remind your kids, and yourself, that they never need to worry alone. Showing up for them consistently, in the way that works for your family unit, will maintain that safe, supportive nucleus from which they can continue to blossom and forge their own journey during the year ahead.

Bottom line: The new school year transition offers a chance to grow resilience and practice positive coping and getting comfortable with change.

Joy in the Journey,

J & J