Freedom in the Frenzy of Fall

At YVJ, we love the Fall – apple picking, fall flavors, and everything pumpkin. That crisp New England chill in the air. A return to a familiar normalcy as the summer ends and families settle back into their routines. While there is so much to experience and enjoy, for many there can also come a sense of dread. For most families, while Fall may be fun, it can also be a hectic time with a lot to manage.

Back to school clothes and supplies, tightly scheduled routines, chaotic mornings with everyone rushing to get to school or work on time, homework to be done, instruments to be practiced, and So. Many. Activities. to coordinate.

Hence – what we at YVJ refer to as The Fall Frenzy. As the summer ends, I always get this small pit in my stomach (anticipatory anxiety, anyone?). I dread The Frenzy – not only a very hectic time for my family but also my busiest season at work. September to New Years feels like a whirlwind, and until the winter holiday break I feel constantly in survival mode. Sound familiar?

One of the biggest challenges I think modern families experience is the increased pressure on kids and the trap of chronically overscheduling their time. More extracurricular options exist, there is more pressure to be involved in a lot of different things (think: college apps), and our culture has become increasingly kid-centric (well, if my child wants this, shouldn’t they get it?)

In the fast-paced world we live in, there is no shortage of ways that children can spend their time. In my town, we have pretty much anything a child could want to try (music, dance, chess, cooking classes, coding, all the sports you can think of, and even a Taylor Swift fan club), and even multiple options for all of these different things (town/rec sports, private sports leagues, traveling teams, and also additional “training clinics” and “prep clinics”, sometimes offered before the child is even old enough to join a team!). And so, there are families where kids are out of the house every night after school doing at least one thing, kids who are regularly “double booked” for games or practices, and kids who are, frankly, exhausted.

Why do we expect so much of our kids, or allow them to indulge in so many things at once? When I was growing up, I remember doing one or two things at most ages – dance classes, some form of music, the school play. I went to school, came home most nights, and had a little bit of activity for fun once or twice a week. It was a nice, stimulating life, but also one that was calm and free of too much stress or pressure (and for what it’s worth, I think I turned out okay).

Despite this, I find myself constantly fighting the urge to put my kids in more stuff. While they certainly do more than I did (my older son plays 2 sports, takes piano lessons, and occasionally does some swim and chess club as well), I do my best to limit activities to 3 or 4 things a week (not to mention the necessity of this with another child who will soon be ready to join his own sports leagues). Have my kids asked to do more? You bet. Have we been asked about other supplemental things (a second basketball league, a special baseball clinic) and felt some pressure to do them because our son’s friends were enrolled? Of course. While we want to give our children every opportunity to pursue their interests and succeed, it is important to balance reasonable expectations, a schedule that is busy but not exhausting, a child’s interests and desires, finding time for nothing (the value of boredom, rest, and play!), and yes – the very real pressure that exists for your kids to “keep up” with their peers and be competitive for whatever they want to do.

How do you balance it all? How do you make good decisions? How do you both support and protect your kids amidst the craziness? Here are some things we suggest at YVJ to help reframe the routine:

Resist the Urge to Do  All. The. Things.

Talk with your children about their interests and desires and work together to come up with a reasonable plan about how many activities a season/semester are realistic for everyone in the family. Perhaps every child gets the option of one sport and one “other” activity. Or maybe your child plays basketball only during the off-season for baseball instead of year-round, so the two sports don’t overlap or conflict.

Find a way to balance supporting their interests and giving them options to practice and nurture their talents and hobbies with the importance of down time and rest. Talking to your kids now about balance, healthy boundaries, and self-care sets them up for success later in life.

Parents can and should model this themselves as well. I know my impulse any time I see an “open” day in the calendar is to fill it (Let’s do something fun! Let’s drive to the zoo/aquarium/dinosaur park/you name it! Let’s not “waste” the day!). And while we all love our family adventure day trips and take plenty of them, I am trying to be better about just letting a “free” day be a free day too, at least sometimes (how good does a lazy pajama day every few months feel? If you haven’t tried it, we would highly recommend it!)

Schedule in Unscheduled Time

Avoid the urge to fill every day with something. I know that I couldn’t function with an obligation or activity every night after a full day of work. Over-scheduling is exhausting and leads to boredom and burn out (The Downsides of Over-Scheduling) – this is as true for our kids as it is for us! Expecting them to perform another task (sport, instrument, you name it) every night after a full day of school is likely not reasonable, especially when sustained in the long-term. While there are certainly exceptions and those busier seasons that we all endure, the pace should not be that busy, fully booked, all the time. If we wouldn’t want it for ourselves, we shouldn’t want it for our children.

If it is difficult to find those “breaks” (trust me, I know it can be), consider a well-timed “hooky” or “mental health” day once a semester for you and/or your children to either do something fun or just rest. Make Sunday afternoons (or whenever works for you) “nothing time” and commit to not scheduling anything in there unless absolutely necessary (again – it is good to be flexible and allow for exceptions so the break itself doesn’t become a source of stress)

Plan, Prep, & Prepare

Busy lives and schedules require solid infrastructure. The better organized you can be, and the more you can “Cope Ahead” (another key therapy skill:  Cope Ahead), the smoother and less stressful the season or year will be for you.

Figure out what you are juggling and how to make it all work. Lean into collaborative tools like a Family Calendar (we use Google Cal), reminder lists (we have a whiteboard in our kitchen that we update every week, that details which activities are on which days, who is doing drop-off or pick-up when, any appointments or obligations we have, which days are home vs. school lunch, and weekend plans). While it takes some time to put the tools together, they keep us sane and functioning (mostly) smoothly, most of the time.

Preparation is key – lay out clothes ahead of time, find blocks of time to prep meals or lunches for the week, and have flexible windows to accomplish necessary tasks.

One word of caution here – if the planning and preparation are very time consuming,  or if when something doesn’t occur “on schedule” things fall apart, this may indicate that there are too many things that are part of the routine. While life likely always includes some juggling, if every day feels stressful or frenzied, it may be time to rethink the day-to-day expectations on yourself and your family.

Embrace Imperfection

The reality is that you (and your family!) can’t do everything perfectly all the time. Whether that looks like the occasional tardy or late pick up at school, missing a game or practice, or misplacing a homework sheet… it is okay to not be perfect. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we are doing a great job, managing a lot of things, and doing the best we can. That the world doesn’t end if something is forgotten or falls through the cracks.

We need to extend this acceptance and compassion to ourselves, our partners, the folks we include in our villages, and our kids. We are all in this together, and while we may always find things to improve, give yourself permission to not do it perfectly every single time. Embracing imperfection is wonderful modeling for your kids and helps buffer them against too much pressure or increased anxiety later in life.

And finally… Breathe

Busy seasons come and go, and we will get through this one just like we have survived those before. Find moments to decompress, unplug, rest or recharge wherever you can, whenever you can.

We hope you find some of these tips helpful in managing your own busy Fall season! Make sure to find some things to savor or enjoy along the way. Whether it is an outdoor PSL in the morning before everyone else is awake, baking a delicious pie (or eating a piece of one!), or simply enjoying a fall activity with your community, there is joy to be found amidst the madness. With a solid action plan in place, you may even yourself Falling in love with the season all over again.

Joy in the Journey,

J & J     

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