Smart Phones – The New Pacifier

The many problems associated with youth smart phone use is not new. In fact, you have probably heard many chastising messages about them (see the Surgeon General Warning here) and, if you are being completely honest, rolled your eyes to at least a few of them). As parents, we get it. The big, bad cell phone isn’t good for our kids (or for us!). 

Parents are constantly told to limit screen time, use smart phones only for “good” reasons (e.g. learning apps), and to generally keep them away from our kids. Schools are starting to ban them outright, and pledges with mantras like “Wait Until 8th” circulate. 

Cool, we get it. Screen time, bad. Smart phones, bad. Our parenting if we ignore this advice? Obviously, bad. 

We keep hearing that what we are doing is wrong. But these messages often fail in their effectiveness because they rarely offer solutions or strategies to either help parents wean kids off the phones or offer attractive alternatives. Telling anyone to stop something or take it away without finding a constructive replacement rarely works (think about drinking, for example. You can’t tell someone to “just stop drinking” entirely in the absence of alternative, more constructive, coping options or behaviors).

We also seem to approach the smart phone problem as fairly black-and-white. Not using them is good; handing one to your kid (either to own or to borrow temporarily) is bad. But the reality is much more complicated than that. Smart phones, Ipads, and other devices are everywhere – technology is a part of our daily lives and is ubiquitously used at home, work, and school. It is unavoidable and simply saying “don’t use that” isn’t going to work. They offer important benefits – connection, instant access to information, real-time communication with significant others in your life.

So we can’t just do away with them entirely. But we can, and should, think about when we are turning to them, and why. From our perspective, the biggest problem with smart phones is not that they exist, but how they are used for most kids and teenagers: 

Smart phones have become the new pacifier. 

When our children our babies, a pacifier is a developmentally appropriate and reasonable tool. Infants generally lack the ability to identify or regulate their emotions in a coherent way, and a pacifier can be used to help them learn the critical skill of self-soothing. Rather than allow them to carry on and cry and scream endlessly, we give them an option to assist in down regulation. However, most parents start to wean their child off the pacifier somewhere in the first two years. They know, intuitively, that a pacifier is not a healthy or appropriate long-term solution for a child, and that the child must learn more independent ways of managing their emotional distress.

Whether or not we realize it, this is what many of us now turn to smart phones for. Consider the following scenarios:

• You enter a restaurant with your child and immediately present them with a phone or Ipad upon being seated (or reach for one as soon as they start to whine or complain about being hungry or bored)
• You embark on a car ride and pass a device back at the start of the journey or when the child complains about the drive being “too long” or starts to whine or fuss
• Your friend comes over to catch up and your child wants your attention (come play with me!). The child starts to become upset so you offer up your device in order to defuse the situation and offer them entertainment
• You are at an event (a child’s sports game, a family get together, a show or recital) and your child in the audience is struggling to be quiet or sit still. In response to feeling embarrassed, worrying that someone will hear them, or insecurity about their ability to focus on the event in front of them, you pass them a device to use silently (or with headphones)

While these impulses are certainly understandable (who hasn’t been there?), they are not helpful, especially when they become the recurrent, default response. Rather than deal with the temporary unpleasantness of the child’s whining/crying/fussing (or the teenagers attitude or indifference), especially if it is occurring in a public place or around family/friends, we turn to the device to soothe and pacify our child.

So, What’s the Problem?

This approach teaches our kids the following:

• If they act up or create a fuss, you will “reward” them with a desirable object (daddy’s phone!). This reinforcement is likely to increase, rather than decrease, problematic behavior.
• You send them an implicit message that they never have to tolerate waiting, or boredom, or anything mundane (a car ride, waiting in line). They learn, incorrectly, that life will be constantly stimulating and expect ongoing entertainment during all routine things. They also begin to associate these challenging feelings with device usage, and this association becomes stronger over time. 
• They fail to learn important emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills, because the devices are there and used to pacify them. When the device is always the solution, the child doesn’t learn the critically necessary life skills of independent soothing/regulation and coping.

So what is a parent to do? Rather than ignoring the warnings and going all-in on the smart phone or struggling with guilt anytime your children use one, try instead to find a healthy middle ground and support constructive and positive use of technology. Let the smart phone develop  positive associations in your child’s life (Would you like to use my phone to take a picture of that beautiful sand castle you built? Would you like to call Grandma with the Ipad and tell her about your day?). Teach your children to create a healthy relationship with technology. Try to avoid the pacifier pitfall and resist the urge to turn to the device in moments of acting up or unpleasantness. Do your best to avoid the negative associations (I am upset, so I get the phone! I feel depressed or anxious, but the phone will distract me or help me feel better!).

Don’t let the smart phone become the default response to boredom, waiting, frustration, or intolerance.

The best thing we can do is to try our hardest to not let the devices in your home become permanent pacifiers for your children (this also applies to ourselves… but that’s another story!). If we expect more from our toddlers, we should also expect more from our kids and teenagers.

Joy in the Journey, 

J & J     

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