A core element of “raising boys right” in today’s society includes teaching boys to respect women. This goes beyond raising them to listen to their mothers and teachers and requires us to demonstrate and instill attitudes and values that promote gender equality.
In order to do this well, it is important to think about the gender scripts in our homes and families and to make sure we are giving our boys a model to follow.
Sometimes I catch myself in “bad feminist mommy” mode – when the kids ask me to fix a toy, replace batteries, or hook up a video game to the TV, my default response is “go ask Dad.” While legitimately not my strengths, this sort of sends the message that these are things boys or “daddies” do. Sometimes I joke about it with them to acknowledge the fact that I could certainly do this if I tried (I am not, in fact, incapable of changing batteries… getting the Nintendo to play on our TV, though, is another story!).
Where we do differentiate skillsets, it is important to not attach this to gender. Mommy may not be the go-to for math homework, but that isn’t because she is a girl. Rather, Dad has a lot of skill in mathematics, while Mom shines at writing and creative projects. You can highlight your different skills and strengths and avoid using gender biases or assumptions when doing so (Mom folds our laundry so nicely – not Mom does the laundry because she is a girl).
Tips for promoting gender equality and respect in your home
- Engage in activities that go against traditional gender roles – let your kids see Dad making lunches and folding laundry; let them see Mom building legos or putting together a bookshelf.
- Show your kids that you respect women in your family – use positive and uplifting language to talk about women. Avoid gendered name-calling (“your mother is a real nag”) or making statements that reflect bias or assumptions (“come to me and not Dad when you are upset… men don’t know how to be comforting”).
- Value women and communicate this – discuss women who are accomplishing great things, talk about women you know and respect (colleagues, a boss, a politician), support female sports and take your kids to these games, too (show them the Caitlin Clark’s of the world and not just the Stephon Castle’s!)
- Talk to your kids about sexism in developmentally appropriate ways (talking about sexism). Talk to them about how and why it is wrong. Encourage them to identify and call it out when they see it. Teach them how to speak up and stick up for women and girls when they see it happening.
While some of these examples align with mixed gender relationships, there are many ways of promoting gender equality in same-sex partnerships as well (the latter points are equally applicable in these families and in fact, breaking traditional gender norms can be even easier to accomplish!).
The bottom line is that if you respect women and girls – in your attitudes, behavior, and actions – your kids will too. And respect will be the foundation for their relationships and interactions with women in the future.
Joy in the Journey,
J&J
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Meet Drs. Jessica Lawson & Jennifer Doran
Jess and Jenn are clinical psychologists, working parents, colleagues and friends. We believe in the the power of psychology and in having a connected and supportive community – a village. Our Blog posts and videos are designed to be short in nature – something you can tune into for 5 minutes a day or less.
