Roses & Thorns: The Dinner Time Game That Helps Your Kids Open Up

Let’s face it – getting our kids to actually talk to us at the end of the day can be, well, a struggle. The typical inquiries at the end of the day (“How was your day?” “What did you do at school?”) are typically met with terse responses, eye rolls, or just silence.By the end of the day, our wells of energy can be running dry, and this is also true for our children! But while it may not be easy, we know that talking to our kids – really talking to them – is one of the most important things we can do. (Talking is Important; Talk to Your Kids). Research also shows us the power of having structured time with our kids, and the importance of predictable family routines, like having dinner together (Positive Effects of Family Routines; Eat Dinner with Your Kids). 

After successfully navigating the daily chaos of getting everyone home, settled and putting food on the table, what can we do to get our kids to open up to us and actually tell us something useful or real? While there is no one answer to this problem, something to try is turning the tedious end-of-day Q&A into something more fun, like a game the whole family can play. Enter “Roses & Thorns” – a more lighthearted and palatable way of checking-in. The premise is simple – a daily inquiry is offered to the entire family (or whoever happens to be at the dinner table that night): “Who would like to share their thorn today?”  

The “thorn” is something unpleasant, challenging, frustrating, hurtful, or anything else with a more negative connotation to it.

It can be anything from a rainy day, to a bad grade, traffic during the morning commute, someone hurting your feelings, a stressful day at work, and so on. Talking about thorns is so important, and something for parents to do along with their children. While not earth shattering on the surface, what this practice actually does is socialize our kids to sharing the tough stuff with us – the things we really want to know and really need to hear about to help and support them. Sharing something hard becomes not only acceptable and okay – it becomes expected, routine. Through normalizing the sharing or venting of difficulties – and modeling this ourselves – we show our kids that it is okay to not feel okay, to have a bad day, to feel upset, or angry… and it is also more than okay (and even helpful!) to share this stuff and to talk about it with people who care about you.  

The “rose” is the positive side of the coin – a bright spot, joyful moment, or simply the best part of the day.

A rose can be receiving praise on a project at work or school, sharing a special moment with a friend, a really funny joke someone told you, an extracurricular activity, or even just coming home and having dinner with your family. Roses can give you wonderful insight into your child’s day and the things that feel meaningful or special to them. They are uplifting and a nice way to connect as a family.  

There are no “rules” and there is no right or wrong way to use this concept. You can share multiple thorns or a bouquet of roses. You don’t always need to identify something, and even nothing can be meaningful (did you have a tough day with a few upsetting things and no real highlights? Maybe your family can do something that night to help you feel better or to offer you some support or joy – the absence of a rose can be an invitation to create one!). Some variations of this conversation include a “Rosebud” – something you are looking forward to that hasn’t happened yet. Some families make it more of a game – did you “win” by sharing the worst thorn? Maybe you get to choose the dessert, music, or after-dinner activity. Did you have a really exciting rose or a big win that day? Maybe the family can toast or celebrate that in some way.  

The important thing is that everyone in the family is talking, sharing, and connecting. You learn about each other, celebrate each other’s successes and joys and are there to support each other through the hardships and lows. Talking – one of the most powerful things we can do – becomes normal. When this is a part of your family culture, it becomes so much easier for a child to come to you with a struggle, embarrassment, or hurt feelings. Because you have a framework for it, and they have learned that you are there for all of it and all of them – they will open up to you and tell you so much more than you might otherwise have known. This simple ritual teaches your kids that you are there not only for the laughter and the light but also for those darker and more challenging moments. This is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids.  

So… the next time your end-of-day Q&A is met with that eye roll or silence, try a new tactic! You’ll be amazed what something like “Roses & Thorns” can do for your family dynamic. Who knows – you may also get some benefit from sharing about your day and being heard. Now isn’t that a win-win? 

Joy in the Journey, 

J & J