Today we want to share a super helpful psych skill with you: Reframing (or, for parents, How to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want)
Parents, we know. Sometimes getting our children to do what we want feels like an impossible task. Get out of bed in the morning? Too tired. Go to bed at night? No way. Sit down and do your homework before dinner? But I’m playing!
Other than the constant repeating of the same unanswered ask, what is a parent to do?
One thing psychology teaches us is the power of reframing our thoughts. Taking one thing and tweaking it to be more positive or desirable (to learn more, see this Ted Talk by Dr. David Burns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1T5uMeYv9Q).
This can also be applied to parenting – reframing our asks for our children can increase the likelihood of getting the desired response. An ask framed as a command or with a negative association (go to bed!) is likely to be met with whining, complaining, or some other form or resistance. But an ask with a positive association or that invites collaboration with your child (let’s get under the covers and tell jokes!) increases the chances of compliance and is more likely to be met with a smile, enthusiasm, or at least some more willingness.
Play the Reframe Game – We Think You’ll be Pleased with the Results!
Here are some examples of ways you can reframe what you need to help get what you want:
| Ask | Try This Instead |
| Get out of bed and get ready for school. | Let’s get ready for the day! You have XX to look forward to today! |
| You need to stop horsing around and do your homework. | What do you think about trying to get your homework out of the way first so we have more time to do XX together? |
| Clean up your mess! | Let’s make sure everything is put away so we have enough space to do XX again tomorrow! (or, Let’s play a game to see who can put more cars away in 1 minute – go!) |
| You need to eat all your vegetables. | Wow, you look like you are getting really tall/strong/healthy (or, I noticed how far you hit the ball/how on point your turns were in dance today). It must be all those fruits and vegetables you have been eating lately! |
| Go upstairs – it’s time for bed! | Who wants to head upstairs to put extra bubbles in the bath/pick out a fun story for us to read/pick out your outfit for tomorrow so you can decide how you want to do your hair? |
| You need to go to sleep! | Make sure you give your body enough rest tonight so you have energy to do XX and YY tomorrow! (or, the sooner you go to bed, the sooner it will be time for XX!) |
| Stop what you’re doing and help me set the table/clean up after dinner. | I feel so lucky to have such awesome helpers in the family. Which one of you wants to set the table tonight and who wants to help clean up? |
| Why can’t you just smile for the picture? | Let’s have a contest to see who has the best smile in the family today… ready? Go! |
Note: XX is anything the child enjoys/looks forward to, has a positive association to, or makes them feel excited (e.g. sport or other activity, favorite special at school, time with you doing something they enjoy)
What routine asks can you reframe in your family? Need help coming up with a reframe? Have a great one to share? Let us know! We’d love to hear from you.
We encourage you to try this one out at home and experiment with reframing – we think you’ll love the results (spoiler alert: this works with partners, family and friends, too)!
Joy in the Journey,
J & J
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Meet Drs. Jessica Lawson & Jennifer Doran
Jess and Jenn are clinical psychologists, working parents, colleagues and friends. We believe in the the power of psychology and in having a connected and supportive community – a village. Our Blog posts and videos are designed to be short in nature – something you can tune into for 5 minutes a day or less.
